Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
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Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Body by sandwich.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.