Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
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Sign at work today
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Just got to our Airbnb!
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.