I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
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Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring