9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
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“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer