Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
You Might Also Like
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.