Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
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Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now