Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
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I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
“No way.” -Jose
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
secret recipe
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.