I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
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“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.