*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
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It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
oh my god
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
That time Alicia messaged me
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
It do be feeling this way.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”