*pronounces carrot like tarot*
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ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me