If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
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Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
He’s cranky this morning
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her