What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
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My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
had to share :’)
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Trumpy Cat
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Breaking news:
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
You know I’m something of a chef myself
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word