Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
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walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
oh good, now I can stop drinking
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.