my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
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Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
My background check bounced.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
sir, my pâté if you please
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.