If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
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Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book