If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
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Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Every time.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?