Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
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[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
HERE’S MARKY
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
peep davidson
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.