Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
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To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying