If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
You Might Also Like
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Jurassic park gets weird
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.