The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
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still the best tweet of the year by far
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly