There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
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No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.