[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
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[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
🙀🙀🙀😹
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.