Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
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If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.