hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
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“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”