Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
You Might Also Like
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Catering service
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*