Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
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I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Tony Hawk, age 6
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you