Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
You Might Also Like
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Ummm
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*