I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
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I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
@funTweeters
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Time heals everything 🙂
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.