Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
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ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him