The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
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clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade