I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
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We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside