Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
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You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??