There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
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My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.