For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
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Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
live, laugh, laundry.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
one last job