Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
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One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.