One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
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Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue