“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
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i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
This week’s mood.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM