My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
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I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
philosophical skeletons be like
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?