“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
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Room with a view.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet