waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
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No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably