Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
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My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
I have obtained a hat
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it