there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
You Might Also Like
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.