I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
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[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.