In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
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I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Generation gap…
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear