had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
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“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.