I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
You Might Also Like
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.