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[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
I love it all
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.