[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
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*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
when there are deer in the woods
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*