She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
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Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
everyone has that one prude friend
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
I have a new favorite meme page
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize