restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
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Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
I want to meet the individual who made this
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE